|Tuesday, April 24th, 2001|
going to OZZFEST BABY!!! I can't wait man! everything is good..new job is great, now all that has to happen is it needs to get hotter outside...well that's not all that has to happen..he he! but it would help! Current Mood: energetic
|Friday, April 20th, 2001|
current mood..and music..pretty much explains the way i feel...at the moment.:( Current Mood: lonely
OH MAN..i want to go to OZZFEST 2001 so bad....i should just buy tickets and then just see who would want to go...that would be so awesome..i'm like all excited and i don;t even have tickets yet..calm down! IT WOULD BE SO COOL! I haven;t been to anything big since WOODSTOCK 99' and that was pretty rowdy but i need to do it again. GEtting psyched maybe it will happen!! Current Mood: awake
|Tuesday, April 17th, 2001|
|unexpected, the rash, and passionate..........that's me!
i was just reading some astrology....personality traits to be exact.....and it's very interesting..well i've always been interested in astrology..but i was just glancing at some notes..and there almost exact the words they use to describe me..or to be more accurate my sign. but you can't totally rely on the zodiac. But the analogies are interesting. feeling blah, depressed and bored........yeah pre-menstrual! can't wait..gonna go bye Current Mood: blah
|Monday, April 9th, 2001|
|IT's my birthday and i'll SCREAM if i want too!!!!
yeah yeah yeah............i'm 22...yippee! On a positive note...i was lucky today at the casino...won myself 157 dollars ..so i come out a hundred ahead..cause i had to spend 50 to win that. Don't know what i'm gonna do the rest of the day....maybe i'll abuse the bottle a little tonight, what the hell huh! Getting my wisdom tooth pulled wednesday..man i'm not looking forward to that..think maybe i'll have the doctor save my tooth after he yanks and pulls at it to get it out...and then take it home, stick it on a chain and wear it around. Why throw it away..ha haha...yeah that would be kinda weird wearing my tooth around my neck!! later......
|Sunday, April 8th, 2001|
just went and seen a great movie......BLOW! took me by surprise it was better than what i thought it would be....cause of the advertising..but it was cool. "True story" and it was sad too. Damn full moon out tonight too..........WATCH OUT! i should be out taking advantage of the warm night air..........but i'm here once again. but who cares......i'm just rambling on about my day...i'd rather know how other people are doing?? :) Current Mood: hyper
|Tuesday, April 3rd, 2001|
haven't written in here in ages....well the machine was acting up for awile..still is. Kinda of a love/hate relationship i have with this machine...i'd like to throw it out the window sometimes. anyways..looking forward to summer and all this snow disappearing soon. IT'S GONNA ROCK! I might be taking a trip with a friend to CHICAGO...to shop and just have a ball..or possibly TORONTO...maybe both who know's..i want to see both places sometime in my life.
signing out now.......computer's starting to act up again...........aghhhhhhhhh!!
|Friday, March 9th, 2001|
i don;t know why i'm writing right now....nothing much to say........but..I LOVE MUSIC! i'm downloading right now...i hope they never totally outlaw napster.
"you can call me crazy, say i'm insecure, but i don;t wanna be just another girl!" Current Mood: energetic
|Tuesday, March 6th, 2001|
ugghhhhhh..as i yawn for the hundredth time today. feeling very tired..for no reason really..ahwell. there i go again yamning..geez. Went to the petoskey casino today...only spent about 20 bucks and i won 96...i was quite happy with that i never win there. Didn't plan on going there today it jsut kinda happened...but it was profitable..saw some people i know...ate lunch there..it was surprisingly good too.
saw this really smelly guy with like 2-3 buckets full of 1 dollar tokens...went to use the machine next to him and he was like "uh some one is sitting there" like people really save seats in casinoes...whatever. I think it would be so cool to go to Vegas at least once in my life...see what it's really like. "Excitement" yippee. No offense to the ones around here...but com'on.
went to see my older sis...she just bought a house...she's got two cute little dogs..lab puppies...awwwwwwwww!!! she lives in a nice neighborhood..in Sterling Heights. pretty cool part of michigan. oh my god...saw this guy at this gas station the last night we were there..he gets outta the car...and they play hip hop shit outside this marathon you know..well he starts jirating on his bumber and were sitting at the pump right across from him..pointed in his direction...and he starts goin at it..dancin up a storm..well were already laughing at him and then he starts to straddle the hose..i felt sorry for the girl that was in his car...he seen us eventually and turned completely around...it was just too funny..one of them moments you had to see. I mean how many times in your life are you gonna see some crazy fool dancin at a marathon..like it's saturday night at the club, while he's doing something everyone does..pumping gas. ha ha ha ha h ah .. Current Mood: hyper
|Thursday, March 1st, 2001|
|Wednesday, February 28th, 2001|
have you ever been so afraid to get close to someome because your afraid of being hurt....? Have you ever been afraid after you've been hurt to try to mend things because you're afraid of letting them back inside and vice versa and getting crushed even harder the next time they tear your heart in two....??? that's the story of my life...not being able to let go the first time i'm hurt and letting it happen to me all over again and over again...you'd think a person would learn the first time..but no i'm one of those people who constantly thinks people are genuinely honest and caring...that your best friend would never lie to you...instead i let people walk all over my feelings..and then some. YOu belive them...i guess that would be called niave.. I put the one i love up on a pedestal..like a perfect prince when in reality there nothing like that ..but that's just the way i think about love..like a magical..spiritual..almost dream like thing..they say you don;t choose the ones you fall in love with.......that's it just happens ...well i've fallen in love with some real winners..not! And yes i can be selfish and almost uncaring at times...that's something i don;t like about myself..but i put me first too much. But no one wants to be let down the way i've been let down. thought i had a friendship too one that would last forever..well maybe forever came sooner than i thought..maybe it wasn't in the stars..but maybe years from now..i'll see this person and be able to at least talk and not feel uncomfortable..maybe someday. But i will never forget the words..the actions..and the way i felt..both good and bad about this person. let it go..let it go..erase it from your mind..i should have listened to those words a long time ago....ughhhhhh....mad at myself more than anyone. I;d like to think i'm strong..but i don;t know. But a strong person wouldn't walk around with a broken heart..like i do. I have to hide it though..but being such a sensitive person and personal person..it's so hard. I'm in almost in tears...whenever i talk about any thing that's affected me...especially my feelings for someone that i could never completely show. GOD!! It hurts. no one wants to lose anyone. I know it probably won't help but i did care...and wanted to help...and be there. But i knew i was being lied too....it just wasn't the right time to approach it..because it was selfish of me..your going through a lot and i'm sorry...but like i said you probably don;t care if i said shit anymore. Fuck it...........i'll leave ya be Current Mood: sad
just got done doing my daily aerobics....i feel so much better..for me excercise is essential...i may not be outta shape, but it helps me not feel so stiff and just blah....it's one part of my life i guess that i can control...my personal fitness........although everything else in my life is outta control..i'm stuggling with a friendship gone sour and i don;t know what to think of it anymore. I';m not even sure if there was a friendship to begin with now that i think about it...was it all a facod to keep my feelings from being hurt? Have i been strung along for two+years, or was it a true and real thing?? I'm struggling with these questions inside...all i ever wanted was to be dealt with honestly. But the person that i'm talking about...thinks i did things that i didn't do...And has totally replaced me...found a new friend..and it hurts me..cuts deep. I don't deal with being hurt very well. People though they can't be totally replaced..no one can replace anyone truly. Distrust is a dangerous thing to have...having trust issues all the time with people you claim to have faith in isn't good. I've never been untrusted by anyone until i met you. And it's all you..your struggling with this problem..it's no one else's fault. But i've been lied to repeatedly and that i don;t trust..i've probably been lied to for the whole 2-3 years i've known him. Lack of communication leads to lack of trust and lack of trust leads to no friendship. I'm sorry a few people out there have the wrong impression of me too...but your wrong. And another thing that bothers me is i talk about this shit with my boss and she does nothing about it thinks it's gonna work itself out but it's not gonna...she don;t understand...i have one option because my other option is never gonna happen because so and so is 21 going on 15 and will never deal with anything like an adult...pathetic! enough said gonna shower in mud and rinse away the stains left from the shit i've had to deal with. bye Current Mood: irritated
|Sunday, February 25th, 2001|
a little advice for anyone out there: always listen to the one's closest to you they know what's right.
never take people for granted.
don't trust someone who's lied to you.
Be strong all the time.
take everything with a grain of salt.
life is unfair and not everything is gonna go your way.
people can be so cruel.
cowardness will get you no where...courage can get you places.
life is too short to worry about anything troubling you inside.
love is blind..and love hurts
that's all for now...........meanwhile i will be convincing myself...about some of these things. Current Mood: gloomy
|Wednesday, February 21st, 2001|
sometimes i feel like my heart's gotten the shit kicked out of it.........and taken for a ride through hell..how come so many people have things so easy..love is just given to them..unconditionally without any insecurities??? one of my friends..sent me a invitation to her bridal shower..guess she's found her true happiness..i'm really happy for her but at the same time just a little jealous..cause she has true love, something that some people search forever for...and she's so young. guess i should be grateful that i still have the chance to find that..and that i can be independent and find ways to support myself until then. What am i talking about who wants to be alone...and starving for affection.?? it sucks..
a person doesn't know what loneliness realy is until they've loved someone...i'm only truly happy when i know i'm truly cared for by someone special and loved...otherwise i'm a miserable soul finding ways to be content. Most of all people want to be understood and appreciated. Current Mood: discontent
|Tuesday, February 20th, 2001|
ies..lies..lies and more fucken lies. That's all i've been hearing lately.....and can't take it anymore.
Some people have an uncanny ability to tell people what they want to hear. YOUR NOT CLEVER..only to those who don't see through you. YOu've complicated matters and you've pushed me as far as i can go..i'm backed up to a wall..and have only one way out. STOP FUCKING STIRRING SHIT UP TOO. Your digging you own hole by doing that..and no one's coming down with you. Used to think we were friends, used to think i could tell you anything..but i don;t trust you anymore..and i don't know if there will ever be a way to fix anything..oh wait you called me a "skanky whore" so there is no hope for you. Have fun beating off with yourself in the dark.........loser. gettin pissed??? ha ha....the scars on your pee pee from the sandpaper make my body quiver and i want to lick em..........mmmmm..i love you too. Current Mood: bitchy
|Monday, February 19th, 2001|
"we don't get to eat any meat, or sit on any skin, and yet we choke on the "bones"."
quote from buddhist teachings i found very interesting.........."food for thought"
choking on the "bones" will harm you, hurt you and kill you.........more "food for thought" Current Mood: apathetic
|Thursday, February 15th, 2001|
why the hell do things get so fucked up......i mean you tell a friend well you think there a friend and then when you least expect it they run and tell the other person everything you say and to top it all off...accuse you of something you didn;t do and it gets worse they use that anger and the fact that they told that other person what you think to use against you like a guilt trip or something...because they are pissed. And i find it slightly funny that the one i was talking about thinks there gonna get me good..they think they have me all figured out..well the things i think and say should have never left the person i confided in but that just goes to show who you can trust...definitely not the person i thought was my friend..i have no fucking schemes up my sleave either...i just have a severe communication problem with someone. you know if you didn't trust me the first time i accused you of this shit why didn;t you jsut say fuck it and walk away...i never did what you think i did. if i have issues with someone those issues should have been dealt with one on one..with no third party involved. You haven't destroyed anything in me.........if anything i finally realize how impossible some things can be and that i have been trying to be a part of someone's life who simply won't give me reason to want to be. And the reason is this whole friendship or whatever it is i don;t know should not have lasted this long and should have gone somewhere else a long time ago... it's caused unnecessary nonscence...instead of just leavin it behind i would go through these stupid jealousy episodes and i would get mad because i felt i was being lead on......because of you having our girlfriend at home too...and wanting me at the same time..i didn;t fuckin understand it and so i would get crazy upset..instead of just walking away........i was so fucking in love with you that i thought i was doing the right thing by staying around....but lately more and more i feel i really should have gave up when my heart was broken the first time....... i've tried to be friends with you since then but my feelings always get in the way...i can't make someone love me. I do need to get a life. i never had any closure and i guess i should have just given myself that closure because i was never gonna get it from you........i'm sorry i fuckin messed with things before with your email and shit ..but i didn't do it again after that one and only time...and i'm sorry things got so mixed up that you think i'm a psycho..i'm sorry about not trusting you when i should have..but i'm not asking for any forgiveness becasue i know i don't deserve it...i'm sorry i never left a long time ago and just forgot about what i wanted instead of being selfish....and pushy..and jealous..it was dumb. But i'm human too..we make mistakes. i'm sorry i'm even saying all this becasue things should have never gone this far i would have saved a lot of shit from happening..but it has..so now i must and will move on and disappear for good becasue i know i'm hated and disrespected and untrusted so who wants me...but never intended to be. i have to start over fresh and new somewhere else..and leave your lives alone forever..
|Wednesday, February 14th, 2001|
i think soon i'm gonna make a trip up to see my friend melissa in marquette.....i haven't partied since florida and i'm in desperate need of some fun....there's no one to have fun with here and just hang out and talk to...tell my problems too..without there being some big inconvenience on the other person's side. no in person contact with anyone..it sucks.
although i'm kinda excited about the future i can do anything i want there is no one holding me back..making a move is the first step definitly i can always start school or some kind of training for a job anywhere.......and i have saved up a good amount of cash i can handle being on my own. Just a matter of doing it..i'm independent but want a friend to join me i think it would be more fun with someone i can really rely on..like a best friend. But life isn't perfect like that..until then i'll be planning a move to somewhere in the surrounding "asshole of the world"...which is the entire area within northern michigan. Really it is. Got to get myself one of these darn computers of my own so i can keep this piece of shit journal updated.. Current Mood: numb
|Tuesday, February 13th, 2001|
""so bury the good and let that shit rot
cause if your only questions what's in it for me
well then you might as well gouge out your own fucking eyes
for there are none so blind as those that will not see."" it's my favorite lines of the song.........especially the very last sentence...it just describes a lot of people because they might as well be blind if they can't see what's right there.
it's time i take a lot of shit and bury it.......but the thing is i never thought what i'm thinking of throwing away as shit..but i need too...there's no moving on with this heavyness on my mind.........It must go away for good. gettin up and goin. Current Mood: amused
|Monday, February 12th, 2001|
what's up? well got called in to my job tomorrow...someone is sick and i was willing to go in........"WHY"? well it's only a half day we closed at one today...it dragged. Go ahead and laugh a little to yourself..because i got suckered into it...someone's out getting shit faced because they're 21 today...so calling him would have been outta the question...hope it's all he dreamed it would be! ok..anyways..my brother also celebrates a birthday on Valentines Day....it's so weird he's gonna be 18 it's just he's grown up so much....but i still think he's so young..because it was like yesterday we were just little punks...ha ha ha. I love my brother, he's a good kid. Family is important.